Ju$t Plain Na$ty

There was a man who was traveling to different cities and he was very tired from walking all day. One night, he saw this really big and tall house and he wondered if anyone lived there. He went up to the house and knocked on the door. An ugly old Chinese man opened the door. The traveler asked the old man if he could stay there for the night because he was tired. The Chinese man agreed to let him stay the night but only if he didn't touch his young virgin daughter. The old man also said that if the traveler touched his daughter, he would inflict him with the three Chinese tortures. The traveling man, thinking the daughter was as ugly as the old man, agreed to this. Later that night while eating dinner, the man saw the old man's daughter and they instantly fell in love. That night, they had sex all night long. When the traveler woke up in the morning, he had a 10 pound rock on his chest with a note that said, "1st Chinese Torture-- 10 pound rock on chest." The man easily picked up the rock off him and thought to himself, "Oh big deal, this isn't punishment at all for what I did last night!" With that, the man walked up to the window and threw the rock outside. The second he did that, he read a sign saying, "2nd Chinese Torture-- rock tied to your left nut." Panicked, the man jumped out the window so that the rock couldn't pull his balls off. After he jumped out the window, he read another sign that said, "3rd Chinese Torture-- right nut tied to the bed."

Fred's dad was so old that he finally had to put him in a resthome. So the first night Fred's dad was there he got a raging hardon and the nurse that was there saw it. She decided to do the old guy a favor and suck em off, so she did. The next day Fred came by and asked his dad how his first night at the rest home went. His dad said he loved it there and never wanted to leave. The next day Fred's dad had fallen over the bathtub. As he was lying there an orderly had just happened to be passing by and saw him bent over the tub, and so he quickly came up behind the old man and crammed a woody up the old guys corn hole. The next day Fred came back to see his dad and again asked him how he liked his second night at the new home. His dad replied that he hated it there and that he wanted to leave. His son was surprised and said, "But dad, I thought you said you loved it here." In which his dad replied, "You don't understand, I only get a hardon about once a month, but I fall down almost everyday!!"

Bob and Fred are walking by a 7-Eleven, as Bob turns to Fred and says, "I dare you to take off your clothes, go into the store, buy two candy bars, and come back outside to get your clothes!" Fred then asks, "What's in it for me?" Bob exclaims, "I'll give you $200!" "Okay", Fred replied. So Fred strips down to nothing, walks into the store, buys the two candy bars, and exits the store. When he get outside he noticed that Bob was gone with his clothes. Freaking out, he notices three nuns walking by, so he freezes with his hands pressed to his chest, one candy bar in each hand. The three nuns walk over to him. "Ah, a vending machine!", the first nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. "I want one too", the second nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. The third nun, being a little impatient, says, "Let me through, I might want one you know!" So the nuns step aside, as she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, but doesn't get anything. So she continues yanking and yanking and yanking. Giving up she says, "I may not have gotten a candy bar, but I did get some nice hand lotion!"

There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play. The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of." The little boy thought it would be easy enough so he tried. After a while the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmothers hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole. The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars." The next day the little boy was playing again and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?" The grandfather said, " Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"

There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a tattoo on the inside of her right thigh.  The guy asked her what of and she told him a turkey.  He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh.  One again he looked at her like she was crazy but did as she wished.  While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?"  And she replied, "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

There is a 14 year old kid who asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday. His father says, "Well son...Can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy tries it and says, "No daddy, sorry" "Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!"

Next year the same scenario happens... "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No dad" "Then get the hell outta my face!"

Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his asshole.

"Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?" The dad says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, "You bet Dad! Look!" The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his asshole with his dick. Then his Dad says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!"

Nasty Mommy Mommy Jokes

son: Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
mom: Shut up, we only have it once a month.

son: Mommy Mommy! why are you moaning?
mom: Shut up and keep licking.

son: Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?
dad: Shut up and unhook my bra.

son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna be a daddy
mom: Shut up and get in bed.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
mom: Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

son: Daddy, Daddy what is incest?
dad: Shut up and suck.

son: Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?
mom: mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
mom: Shut up and give your sister another tampon.

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. $20 dollars replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!!!!!

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for." Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

A Useful Tool

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.  It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.  Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements.  When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.  After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.  As you have already no doubt guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.

My comment: I guess some toothbrushes have holes at one end. None of the ones I ever used had a hole at the end, but I guess some do.

There were these two black kids, one boy and one girl, who wanted to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Well, the first year they decided to go as Ken and Barbie. When they were out walking around a white kid comes up and says, "Hey, who are you supposed to be?" They two black kids say Ken and Barbie. The white kid says you can't be them. Somewhat surprised, the black kids ask why, and the white kid says, "Because you're black and Ken and Barbie are supposed to be white." So the next year the two black kids go out naked. The white kid came up to them and asked, "Who or what the hell are you two supposed to be?" The two black kids replied, "We're two chocolate candy bars--one with nuts and one without!"

My comment:  I don't mean for this joke to make fun of African-Americans.  I just thought it was funny and nasty enough for it to be on my joke page.

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth. When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."

A trucker driving down a highway one night was feeling horny when he noticed a sign on the side of the road that said: "Modern Whorehouse, next right".  Intrigued, he turned at the next right and a bit down the road saw a brightly lit building with a sign saying: "Modern Whorehouse, Open 24 Hrs.".  After parking his rig, he approaches the building's front door where he sees a sign saying: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $5 in slot below to enter".  He shoves a $5 bill in the slot which swings open revealing a bare room with another door at the opposite wall.  Approaching this door, he sees another sign on it that says: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $50 in slot below for the screwing of your lifetime".  Highly aroused, he shoves a $50 bill into the slot and rushes through the door as it opens and then shuts behind him.  In bewilderment, he finds himself outside in back of the building. Turning around, he notices a sign on the outside of the door proclaiming: "This is a modern Whorehouse, you have just been screwed!"

There were three boys who were all late for school. The first boy came into class, and the teacher asked him where he was. The first boy said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." The second boy came into class and the teacher asked him where
he was he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." When the third boy came into class, the teacher asked him where he was and
he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill" All of a sudden a new girl came into the classroom. The teacher asked what her name was and she said, "My name is Strawberry Hill."

A man was on holiday in Spain, went to a local restaurant. There he saw a man eating two big balls and he asked the waiter what that was. The waiter replied that those were the balls of a bull who lost in a bullfight and it was a custom to eat the balls. The man said he also wanted balls of a bull, but the waiter told him there weren't any left and that he had to come back tomorrow. So the next day the man went back to the restaurant and he asked for the two balls and so he got two little balls. The man says to the waiter that the other guy yesterday got two big balls and he asked why he got two little balls. "Well," replies the waiter, "it's not always the bull who loses."

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

There is a lady who goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "No," the woman replies, "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want," exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!," the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1,000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try.

The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds.

Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds.

Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that stated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed.

The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!"

The man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have
a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its
3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some
talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and
she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked,
but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few
drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his
hands are covered with powder and... "You God Damn liar!!! You went bowling again huh?!?!"

It was Sunday and God had finally finished creating the world.  He stopped by Adam and Eve and said "Well, I have two
treats left in my creation book, the first is the ability to stand up and pee, who wants it?"  Adam went nuts, he demanded that
God give him the ability to stand up and pee.  God thought about it for a while and agreed to give Adam the ability to stand up
and pee, then he turned to Eve and said, "Sorry Eve, all I have left is multiple orgasms."

There is a guy who loved his girlfriend so much he decided to have her name tattooed to his dick. It said "WY" when it was
soft, and "Wendy" when he was hard. A few months later the couple get married.  For their honeymoon they decided to go to
an island resort.  While there, they decided to go to a nude beach. When he was there on the beach, he saw a local man with
the letters "Wy" on his dick too, so the tourist went up to the native and asked, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"
The man says with a thick Island accent, "No.. mine says, 'Welcome To The Island, Have A Nice Day'."

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, " Golly, the gals really got it made....." Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

There were three guys driving down the highway. A cop pulls them over and says, "I don't want to give you a ticket so if all your dicks add up to 21 inches I'll let you go." The first guy whips his dick out and it's 10 inches. The second guy takes his out and it's 10 inches too. The cop says all you need is one more inch. So the third guy takes his out and it's one inch. Cop says, "Well a deal is a deal, I'll let you go." Later the the two 10 inch guys look at the one inch guy and asked surprised, one inch? The guy replies, "Yeah I had a boner."

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how
has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns
the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

Dumb Blond Jokes

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blond passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blond like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: What did the blond think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blond with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What important question does a blond ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?